Recently, I realised I kept feeling oddly irritated whenever a friend excitedly shared her learning journey in a group chat.
In this case, she had just started learning something I had learned few years back. She kept sharing discoveries, thoughts, and updates with enthusiasm.
Objectively, nothing was wrong.
But internally, I kept thinking:
“Why does this feel so extra?”
Then came the guilt:
“Am I being mean?”
“Am I jealous?”
“Am I cold?”
The deeper I analysed myself, the more uncomfortable I became.
After sitting with the feeling longer, I realised the irritation was not really about the topic itself.
It was about communication style, emotional expectations, and how differently people process connection.
How The Feeling Started
At first glance, the situation looked simple:
- Someone was excited
- Someone was sharing
- A friend group existed
But emotionally, there was more happening underneath.
For me, sharing usually means:
- there is a purpose
- there is a problem to solve
- there is an exchange of ideas
- there is a direction the conversation is moving toward
So when someone repeatedly shares thoughts, emotions, or discoveries without needing solutions or discussion, my brain becomes uncomfortable.
Why?
Because I unconsciously start asking:
- “What am I supposed to do with this?”
- “Do you want advice?”
- “Am I expected to respond?”
- “Is there an action point?”
- “How long does this interaction continue?”
The interaction feels open-ended.
Meanwhile, the other person may not be seeking solutions at all.
They may simply be:
- expressing excitement
- processing emotions externally
- bonding through sharing
- wanting companionship in the experience
To them, sharing itself already feels reciprocal.
To me, reciprocity feels more like:
- discussion
- mutual exchange
- collaborative thinking
- back-and-forth engagement
That mismatch creates tension.
Why Some People Feel Drained By “Expressive Sharing”
This conversation also revealed something deeper.
Some people naturally self-filter heavily before speaking.
They think:
- “Am I oversharing?”
- “Will this burden people?”
- “Is this useful?”
- “Is this too much?”
So when they meet someone who shares freely and emotionally, it can feel:
- socially overwhelming
- attention-seeking
- emotionally loud
- one-sided
Not because the other person is wrong.
But because both people are operating with different internal rules.
People who self-monitor heavily often assume:
“If I restrain myself, others should too.”
But not everyone values restraint the same way.
Some people prioritise:
- openness
- emotional expression
- spontaneity
- real-time connection
Neither style is morally superior.
They simply create friction when mixed together.
Another Hidden Layer: The “Open Loop” Problem
One major insight was this:
Some people are highly closure-oriented.
Their brains constantly seek:
- clarity
- structure
- outcomes
- defined expectations
This affects not only work, but emotional interactions too.
So when communication has:
- no clear direction
- no resolution
- no ask
- no action
their nervous system stays mentally “open.”
That open loop creates discomfort.
This explains why the same people often also struggle with:
- scattered work communication
- undocumented decisions
- being left out of loops
- too many “what if” scenarios
- cognitive overload
- anticipatory anxiety
The brain keeps trying to complete unfinished patterns.
So What Can We Do About It?
1. Separate Feeling From Morality
Feeling irritated does not make you a bad friend.
Annoyance is information, not a moral verdict.
Sometimes the real issue is simply:
“This communication style drains me.”
That is very different from:
“I dislike this person.”
2. Understand That Not Every Share Is A Request
Not every message needs:
- advice
- analysis
- solutions
- deep engagement
Sometimes people are simply saying:
“I want to feel connected.”
A small acknowledgement is often enough.
Examples:
- “Sounds like you’re enjoying the class.”
- “That’s interesting.”
- emoji reaction only
You do not need to match their energy fully.
3. Stop Over-Analysing Your Own Irritation
A common spiral looks like this:
- irritated
→ why irritated?
→ am I jealous?
→ am I cold?
→ am I selfish?
→ what does this say about me?
Often, the answer is much simpler:
“My social battery prefers more structured interaction.”
That is not a character flaw.
4. Accept That Different People Bond Differently
Some people bond through:
- discussion
- shared problem-solving
- collaborative thinking
Others bond through:
- emotional expression
- storytelling
- stream-of-consciousness sharing
Understanding this reduces unnecessary resentment.
5. Protect Your Own Energy Without Guilt
You are allowed to:
- respond minimally
- participate less
- mute chats temporarily
- avoid overextending emotionally
Understanding someone’s intentions does not mean unlimited emotional availability.
Final Thought
Sometimes what irritates us most is not the other person.
It is the collision between:
- our internal rules
- our emotional bandwidth
- our expectations of reciprocity
- and someone else’s completely different way of connecting.
Once I realised this, the irritation softened.
Not because my preference changed.
But because I stopped turning every emotional reaction into a judgment about myself.
