In my line of work as project manager, I’m used to make worst case scenario because when running a project, we need to be prepared.
So my brain usually will think few if-then-else scenarios and prepare some contingencies when certain events happened.
However, it also makes my heart panic from low key panic to really panic. No matter how prepared I am.
That makes me thinking, does it have any relation between as we grow older, we will have low tolerance of deviations from plan? Shouldn’t it we be more YOLO?
I also feel I’m scared to be alone with my thoughts. Hence I kept looking on other things like checking social media or doing my hobbies. I feel like I’m running away from my own thoughts. Then.. all those new stimuli will steer my brain to other domain area depending on the topic I was reading at that point of time.
Sometimes I kept checking my Whatsapp or other messenger hoping that someone will discuss something or looking for me. I turned off all of the app notifications btw, for peace of mind. But it actually makes me somewhat anxious if I missed messages from work. My prev work place was giving me sort of PTSD because intense pinging and need to react immediately which made me unable to sleep peacefully at night. It was better after I disabled all notifications.
Sometimes I had things in my mind which I feel need to be channeled, but at the same time I also think what if by channeling out, I give inconvenience to others. Everyone is busy with their own life and they have their own plate of problems.
So I told myself that why don’t just make peace with it and just go watch some drama in Amazon Prime or Disney+ to take away my worry and thoughts. It’s kinda a way to escape.
When I read my past blogs, I kinda ask myself, how come I was somehow wiser when I was younger 🤣
Compared to now when I just want to have a peace and play with cats.
Might take awhile to find the answer, but I guess, maybe I should go back to journaling as a mechanics to sort out my thoughts